Who do you love, and what are you doing about it?

While talking to a friend about love recently she asked (hypothetically), "I guess that's the eternal dilemma: Is the probable pain worth the certain (though perhaps fleeting) joy?" and then answered herself with "Fuck if I know!".

And it's true, we don't know. For me it's a sticky subject. I grew up in a community of people that says "I love you" at the drop of a hat in a family that says it just as often. I believe it's all around us but it wasn't until some interactions in young adult hood that I realized not everyone believes in the ideas I was raised with. It's not that they (or you, perhaps) don't love, it's just expressed differently, acknowledged differently and sometimes not at all. To those of us that love freely this is heartbreaking. How ever, the intensity of people's love is what makes me uncomfortable and sad. I wish this wasn't the case because I start to self-judge as I realize I'm close to the category of those that don't express love at all. While I saw "I love you" to those that love me, I don't always feel the acceptance and the joy that they express with me. Why? I have no idea. It's just another question that keeps me up at night.

It's not that I haven't fallen in love or that I don't have unconditional love in my life, it's that I don't seem to have it in the volume that others claim they do. I am a realist and a rationalist. Perhaps I am rationalizing love too much. Anyhow, think on this question from thoughtquestions.com because I need sleep.

Traveling

My car is a little old and rickety (it's a 1995 Subaru Impreza) but I realized recently that in reality, I rarely drive it. I drive it eight minutes to class and back four days a week, to get groceries sporadically, and to visit my dad now and again. The rest of the time I get to walk pretty much everywhere. I live near our downtown area so there is a wide array of shops (functional, and not so functional), two movie theatres, three music venues, a ridiculous amount of restaurants and two of my three jobs. I can walk anywhere I need to go! Despite my bitter moods lately this knowledge makes me smile quite a bit.

Size

One of my three jobs is to sell clothes and shoes. While the store I work at is not only for women, the majority of the clientele is female. The age range goes anywhere from two years old to women in their seventies. This past weekend women's preoccupation with size started to become more and more apparent. It doesn't matter if they're petite, or tall, or have feet that are just a little over a size seven but they all balk at a mention of size or if you suggest they try a size larger.

Our society's preoccupation with size, weight, shape and general body image is something I've always been aware of and accepted. Yes, it makes me angry but I feel the need to change my own perceptions before I rail on the entire society's issues. These women and young girls in the store were beautiful, no doubt, but couldn't think of a single positive thing about themselves. Why this constant self depreciating behavior? It's unnecessary, we're not clones, and it's a GOOD thing we don't all look the same. Imagine how boring that would be, and you'd constantly confuse people for each other. Embrace your body and your individuality and move on!

Midmorning rant

May the children of the stock of Abraham, who dwell in this land, continue to merit and enjoy the good will of the other inhabitants, while every one shall sit in safety under his own vine and fig tree and there shall be none to make him afraid.

-George Washington

Why can't the inhabitants of this country believe in the ideas that this country was founded on? Most people's ancestors came to this country due to religious prosecution (some of mine did, the other half was state-less and coming from a war torn country, and within these last fifty years) and now see no issue in doing the same. Park51, the "Ground Zero Mosque", will be two blocks north of the World Trade Center site. It will have a large Islamic "prayer room" but the rest of the building will have classrooms, an auditorium, galleries, a restaurant, and even a September 11 memorial. Maybe I would feel differently if I had a family member that was killed in the attacks or if I actually lived in New York City. It's disconcerting that this many people are worked up about it, many of them having just as much connection as I do. I am not offended that there is a memorial in Washington D.C. for the soldiers that died in Vietnam, I think the rest of us can handle a little religious freedom around here. I've also come to realize that the decision to be tolerant comes a lot harder if you have never had an experience where some one persecutes you for your beliefs, your gender, or your race. It's a little harder to put yourself in someone else's shoes, so I respect the people that can, and do and socially supposedly have everything handed to them.

Okay, rant over, for now... half developed.

Hypocrisy

Classes started up three weeks ago today and this is usually the point where I finally feel like I'm in school. Unfortunately this mark fell on labour day and so I am generally confused about how much or how little work I ought to be doing. This semester I have the least amount of credits I've ever had, so I'm considering this a "year off". In reality I am taking several classes, trying to maintain a reasonable grade point average (to transfer), working three jobs, and in the process of moving. In reality this is anything but time off.

Today as I swept a pile of clothes off my bed and on to the floor I thought about the hypocrisy of my life. This was partly because it was staring me straight in the eye and because I was mourning the loss of my philosophical camp (and child) brain. Once school starts it's mostly about school, school related things, and generally learning in a structured environment. The homeschooler inside me weeps. As humans we're all hypocritical, it's our nature and I've said this before. I was specifically thinking about the contradictions in my life between mature.. and a little less so. I can't keep a pile of clothes of my bed, yet my name's on legal documents. I make my dinner in the toaster oven too often, but I've owned my car outright since I was 16. I currently hold three jobs. I graduated high school two years early. My watch is plastic, purple, and has flowers on it. My reaction to an uncomfortable situation is to make a silly face. I own a full set of dishes, but I have only two each of forks, knives and spoons. I love the people I grew up with yet I want to become my own person, free of their judgement and with disregard to their prior opinions of me.

The list goes on, but the point is that life is full of these contradictions and instances of hypocrisy and I'm doing my best to embrace them.