Loneliness

I haven't felt this lonely in years and while it feels sad and well, lonely, I'm doing my best to embrace it. I spent the day in a coffee shop full of people but with no companion and it was somehow comforting after days of constant but lovely companionship. Now I have realized that the life that I long shared with some one is truly over and it's difficult to comprehend. I don't think it was true love or everlasting but what we had worked for the time being. This loneliness if frustrating, but no longer makes me angry. I'd like to cry about it but I can't.

A friend told me this weekend that she didn't know what to do with my independence. It's there, and I pride myself in it after these long months but it still feels uncomfortable, like a sweater I accidentally put in the dryer. After another dear friend (my lovely co-counselor from this summer) sent me this video, I thought "how true" and tried to be okay with being alone. I tried to learn, or re-learn. My fantastic housemate told me we'd be a household of independent happy women. We're trying. Between us and the two fixed female cats, I really think it's a possibility.

Another observation today was my often manic state. I told a relative I considered someone "boring" and was told that perhaps most people can't keep up with my manic version of conversation. I don't think of this as a problem, I think of it as my need to live fully. Why half ass emotions, conversations, opinions? If I'm going to be sad, I need to be really sad and not pretend otherwise. I'm sad, and I'm not pretending otherwise but only to myself.