Monologue

Confronting feelings has never been my forte. I'd much rather keep them under wraps then explode at some point, or stop talking to some one, or never let it out. Last night I finally had one of those dramatic moments where I just started talking, and then I didn't stop for a few minutes. I had had so many thoughts and reasonings about this person for the past few days and they heard them all. And I was surprised and relieved.

I found sweetness and understanding where I thought I would find disappointment and anger. I found someone who was as human as I really should have expected all along. It was humbling, yet again, to realise that this person is very much like me. It was even more humbling to remember how much I actually care about this person, regardless of how scathing and mean I can be.

Sneezing Fit Ponderings

I work with many snot nosed children, who I love dearly but who also drip with germs and bacteria (and, at times, little bugs to live in your hair). It was really only a matter of time before they transferred some sort of sore throat, runny nose, sneezing experience over to me and apparently that time was this week. It seems odd to say I wish it were sooner because then this wouldn't coincide with my first week of classes, a house sitting job, an interview (now cancelled), and bleeding (internal and external, you don't really want to know).

Despite my desperate wish to get more sleep in 2011 I've spent a lot of time awake. Even when I dutifully hop in my bed at 10 p.m. it's only to roll around (solo) for a few hours and then decide that I should just suck it up and use my late night productivity. This past week I started yet another college application and. . . SURPRISE! I got to select as many races as I wanted. And they were described.

By the time I got to this point in the application it was solidly 2 a.m. and I was awake but groggy at best. I usually answer questions about my race, regardless of whether or not I find them intrusive because I see it as an opportunity to educate someone and hopefully they might not offend the next person they see. This being said, I know it's hard to get my mutt status to fit into any form and I'm conditioned to think that I must check "other". There was no "other" on this form.

What was I supposed to do?

Ah, but the ingenious thing was that I could check Asian (including Pacific Islander, Chinese, Cambodian, Thai, Vietnamese, Japanese, Korean. . . it's a long list) and Caucasian (including Middle Eastern, to which a girl in one of my classes announced "I feel so lame now! I'm white!"). These things are, of course, socially constructed and have no meaning in the academic world unless a college is off touting it's diversity statistics. Statistics or not, so many colleges create such definitive divides between their International community and their native community (and with this, I mean natively born and raised. . . not Native American, unfortunately) that it doesn't matter.

Thankful 8.

To My Male Bridesmaid:

Don't worry, you don't have to wear a dress. You just have to be there. And the best part is knowing you will.

I'm sending you a small package tomorrow- packed tight with blue bubble wrap, chocolate, butter, glow-in-the-dark rubber bands, and love. Hopefully it'll go well with tea while you exercise the pretentious tendencies I can't help but love. I could rhapsodize on about the things I love about you but this is, after all, a thankful post. . .

Thank you for: late night texts and even later inebriated phone calls, shared sarcasm, a secret love of romanticism, pictures of glasses of Scotch and pig flashlights and cans of SPAM, late night sleepover chats, questionable movie choices, pretentious and over the top vocabulary, adopting words, shared woodland dreams, Elliot, 3 a.m. paper editing, 5 a.m. conversations, stolen time, shared realizations, deciding to be rocks, phone calls just to say good night, random things to share the day, making fun of people, shared tears, warming extremities, squishing yourself into the couch to watch a movie, always listening, being okay with who I am (all the time, no matter what), telling me to get over it, being the same person sometimes, sharing a brain, being alone, and being there.

Thankful 7.

To My Lame Duck:

It's been a long road that's gotten us here. A road full of tribulations (I have an odd love of that word), laughter, clumsy falls up stairs, loudly off key renditions of famous music, tears, one major fight, and a lot of growing up.

So I just want to thank you for a few things from over the last 14 going on 15 years:

- for being so happy for a play date that you wouldn't leave that corner of my room.

- for dressing up.

- for killing off our parents.

- for a love of the entire Colonial era.

- for the being the aunt of my eight (or was it 12?) children.

- for drinking water out of thimble sized cups.

- for baskets full of candy.

- for riding the bus.

- for first crushes.

- for showing me the ways of High School.

- for being by my side for almost every school change.

- for talking. So much.

- for late night check ins.

- for sob fests in your bed.

- for bellying aching laughter.

- for multiple nick names.

Thankful 6.

To My Fellow Trash Gnome:

Thank you for always being supportive and full of vast wise energy. Thank you for helping me triumph a little bit in my independence. Thank you for two lovely cat roommates (as much as I complain about them, my life is the better for them). Thank you for day long Grey's Anatomy marathons, 9 mile hikes, brutal rock scrambles, early morning drives, cooking adventures, taking food to movies, art expression, music, wine drinking, fruit snack eating, mental health finding, New Year's resolution keeping, and excitement over the little (and the best) things in life!