Thankful 5.

To the girl I share a brain with:

Thank you for being my "clone". Thank you for words spoken at once, ideas thought up in two different cities, for showing up at my house at two in the morning, for emails and messages that could become a novel, for pretty pictures, for rides in ambulances, for handholding, for supporting, for giving space, for talking through movies, for asking "Did you wash?", for gawking at men, for crying, for half cognitive epiphanies, for eight hour car trips, for sleeping until the afternoon has passed us by, for midnight pizza, for being mistaken for a lesbian couple, for looks exchanged without words, for bedtime movie watching, for jelly-fish transporting, for encouragement, and bringing me back down to earth when I need it most.

This New Year's feels especially lonely when we're not sharing it (again). I miss you sorely and you're on the brain this evening dear friend. I'm not quite sure what I'll do when you fly half way around the world from me but I'm almost certain we can do anything.

We could probably take over the world. Or at least get to North Carolina in a timely manner.

Retrospective

The things I would tell myself a year ago:

- Find the joy in the things you find joy-less.
- Do what you want.
- Follow what you love.
- Crying is okay.

- Physical pain is relative.

- Don't underestimate the power of really bad rap music.

- Dance. Just go and dance.

- Being alone isn't as scary as you think.

- Being alone can actually be pretty great (and feel free to explain this to people when you take yourself out to dinner).

- Feelings are allowed.

- You are going to find friends in unexpected ways. Get over it.

- You are more like your parents than you will ever admit.

Holidays

Stockings, art, candles, a blanket over the fireplace, Buddha, Ganesh, incense, ancestors, books, Madonna and my sweet sweet dog.

If this doesn't say holidays at my mother's house, I don't know what does. Also- we get Tết suckers (no, that isn't a place).

Thankful 4.

To the place that helped me grow up:

Thank you! Watching this today made me miss you and I see a visit in my future.

Thankful 3.

To the one who says everything's right:

The first thing I have to say is that I miss you.

I miss you.

And I'm still hurt and angry every morning when I wake up, turn over, and your side of the bed is empty. I am also able to be thankful for the fact that you aren't there. Having you in my life these last two years has made me grow and change in ways I never truly thought possible. Thank you for showing me kindness, compassion, honesty and how to challenge the world. Thank you for making me stick up for myself and follow my dreams. Thank you for your joy, laughter, and willing to be who you were. Thank you for not settling.

Thank you for making me fall in love with your mind and for proving to me that it was possible. You showed me that love could be expressed in ways that weren't words. Thank you for being part of my larger family and letting me into your family as well. Thank you for showing me what family really is. Thank you for giving me space to be angry. Thank you for being willing to go on adventures with me.

Thankful 2.

To the one with the yellow teeth:

{Your teeth, in all honesty, are pretty awesome.}

Thanks for being the calm, adult, and reasonable word of wisdom in my world of parents that sometimes say less than sane things. Thank you for guiding me by imparting your own experience and opinion and always giving me a chance to speak my mind without fearing persecution.

Thank you for bringing into the world the little mischievous elf that I'm proud to call my little sister. Thank you for re-creating our family because the joy and evenness you bring might be the only thing getting me through this part of my life.

Thank you for the laughs we have shared. Thank you for showing me how I can become any person I want and especially for showing me how to be a strong, graceful woman in this society.

Thank you.

Thankful 1

To the man who lives in the last century:

Thank you for teaching me to savour the independence I love. I'm happy that our relationship has grown and changed from those days when I'd shut myself in my cold room and shove mean, cruelly written notes underneath my door. Because of the physical space we now have between us as well as a few years, I see a lot of things I respect in you.

Thank you for being fearless in changing your life for the better. Thank you for bringing an understanding, compassionate, funny, and beautiful mama figure into my life. I am thankfu that giggly butterball of wonderment that the two of you now have.

Thank you for the seersucker suits, the salmon and madras shorts, the preppy Ray Bans, the endless pairs of Keens and Chacos, the corduroy blazers and that beard that used to make the neighbors think we were Mennonite.

Thank you for my overly sarcastic sense of humor and all the laughs we have shared. Thank you for sending me messages of support and love in whatever I attempt, even though the path I want to take in my life so greatly differs from your own. Thank you for a genetic predisposition to insomnia, being inflexible, blindness, and a love of procrastination.

Christmas

For whatever reason, I grew up in a family that celebrated Christmas. This seems rather normal until you realize that my mother doesn't have a complete understanding of most Western holidays. She tries to go to the post office or the library on Thanksgiving, Easter, and the Fourth of July and then calls me to complain when she can't get her errands done. As the holiday approaches (and I slack off of my ever looming finals) the Christmas spirit in this world has become more and more apparent. People undergo extreme personality changes just for this part of the year. This weekend I've dealt with people who are generally short with me and they've been willing to let almost anything go. I don't hate the holiday spirit, but why can't people have that attitude all the time? In order to combat this I've decided to flaunt my thankfulness for the life I get to lead with a new series of things and people I'm thankful for. Yes, I'm starting it during this puke-tastic Thankfulness infested extravaganza but it'll keep going after that. Long after.

Margaret Cho

The woman was a small hero for me. My mom and I don't usually share anything resembling a sense of humor but we'd sit on the couch and watch her overly crude, Asian-mocking stand up shows until our stomachs couldn't take the torture of our laughter. I'm not sure how I feel about Dancing With the Stars (as both a human being, a non-TV watcher, and a dancer) but if that's what Margaret feels she needs to do then I'm behind it! I am not however behind Bristol Palin attacking the openly bi-sexual and fantastic LGBT rights activist. Not cool Bristol, not cool. You can read about it in NY Mag here.

Things I am Thankful for Pt. 1

I realize that I really should be working on other multiple things but before I really want to scream and tear at my hair because of tech week I just need to share something.

I am incredibly thankful not to be this guy this week.

Harry Potter

So here's the thing, I love Harry Potter. You're probably thinking, "Oh yeah, me too." No.

No, you don't. I really really love Harry Potter. In a spent-my-childhood-with-some-fake-parchment-and-real-quills kind of way. Oh yes.

I grew up with Harry Potter. Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone came out in 1998 (I was six) but by the time I was 10 I had quickly read myself through the first four books in the space of a week. That's a lot of pages.

Following that I spent three midnights in our local Barnes and Noble waiting in line for my pre-ordered tome. My best friend until I was 12 read them so many times she'd practically memorized the entire series and then started reading them in Russian. I attended countless Harry Potter theme parties where we dressed up in our robes and were fully informed about our characters. When I was a freshman/junior in high school we flew to London and were overjoyed to see Platform 9 and 3/4. My sister like friend and I ran letters written on tea-bagged distressed paper with feathers and sealed with wax across the street. We were our own owls.

When she called me last month bearing the news that tickets for the first installment of the last movie were on sale I squealed a little bit. Never mind the fact that the movie started at 12:01 A.M. or that we would be getting there at 9 P.M. to wait in line after class, or that I needed to be awake to work with preschoolers the next morning. No, because this was Harry Potter, this was our childhoods and we were going to go. My roommate and I launched ourselves out of our collective black hole to throw on some pigtails and old graduation robes (hint- keep your robe from your Master's- those sleeves are much more magical) and head over to the movie theater. It was the perfect remedy to a not so great week.

Behind us in line were a group of young professionals teaching at the University. They'd carefully coordinated all of their outfits to perfection: Rita Skeeter, Snape, Mad Eye Moody (with a very large googly eye attached to an eye patch), Professor Sprout, and Hagrid. Our group mostly sported eye liner scars and jackets under robes. We made instant friends with the people around us, who were just as crazy to be standing in line three hours before we'd actually get to see the movie. The people ahead of us were dressed in their usual Muggle wear, and being in the minority were slightly uncomfortable.

Sitting down to start a movie at midnight on a Thursday felt completely ridiculous but utterly right. As the starting credits starting to roll the theater full of house-elves, witches, wizards, and owls let out shouts and applause. It was truly the first time in my adult life that I'd been part of some cultural phenomenon. I finally understood the Disney movies people feel deep connections to, and the music and all of it.

The movie was, in essence, a joy.

Tired

So tired, and for no reason. This life needs some sort of direction and new life. There was once some, 7 months ago but that’s all gone now. And I keep hoping for some new idea or passion- something to encourage me to keep going and be interested in what is going on around me. I can be, and I will be but right now all I want to is keep myself curled up with the lights off. For now I think soulful, sad music will have to do the trick.

Midterm Elections

Two days ago I voted for the first time and it felt great. I've been feeling like the world is apathetic lately and it was empowering to walk to my polling station (a place I'd been countless times before), spin the little wheel around and cast my vote. I feel that it's my right as a citizen, a person, and a woman.

So listening to the results and the statistics ended up being a complete let down-

I am a woman. Women are less likely to vote in midterm elections.

I am a person of color. Midterm elections tend to be more "white".

I am under the age of 30. This election, 9% of the electorate was under 30.

NINE PERCENT.

And really, what were my peers doing? I have no idea! For the most part, no one has a family, a job, or any responsibilities that would get in the way of them voting (these "no one"s I speak of are my college age peers) It took me all of 30 minutes and I walked to the polling station. There are 24 hours in a day, I'm sure they could have worked it out.

Some of this anger is about the political apathy of my peers, yes. These changes in our government and country affect them. The other part of this anger stems from the fact that my district elected someone who will never truly represent us in Congress and I'm deeply saddened.

A friend sent me this last night to go over, and it communicates how I feel much better than I can articulate at the moment:

Dear District #5,

Though yesterday may appear a victory for Republicans it is really a loss for us all. Regardless of your political views and how you voted, the "Red Wave" was always going to wash the Democrats from the House and give it back to the Republicans. A vote for Robert Hurt to simply "hurt" Obama and Pelosi was worse than beating a dead horse. Perriello may have voted against your political views but over the next two years that vote would be irrelevant, due to the overwhelming Republican majority.

The loss of his devotion to us will be vast in comparison to gain of Hurt's vote in Congress. Perriello was a politician that understood that election means representing the entire district, not just those that voted for him. He worked hard and listened to us more than any other Congressman to their district. He was bringing jobs back to Southern Virginia and had an exciting future planned for them and the rest of our district. I hope he can set enough in motion before leaving office so that this bright future is not forgotten during his absence.

{Name Omitted}

Asking random questions about a stranger's race should never be considered open and "diverse". It's just socially awkward and confusing.

Loneliness

I haven't felt this lonely in years and while it feels sad and well, lonely, I'm doing my best to embrace it. I spent the day in a coffee shop full of people but with no companion and it was somehow comforting after days of constant but lovely companionship. Now I have realized that the life that I long shared with some one is truly over and it's difficult to comprehend. I don't think it was true love or everlasting but what we had worked for the time being. This loneliness if frustrating, but no longer makes me angry. I'd like to cry about it but I can't.

A friend told me this weekend that she didn't know what to do with my independence. It's there, and I pride myself in it after these long months but it still feels uncomfortable, like a sweater I accidentally put in the dryer. After another dear friend (my lovely co-counselor from this summer) sent me this video, I thought "how true" and tried to be okay with being alone. I tried to learn, or re-learn. My fantastic housemate told me we'd be a household of independent happy women. We're trying. Between us and the two fixed female cats, I really think it's a possibility.

Another observation today was my often manic state. I told a relative I considered someone "boring" and was told that perhaps most people can't keep up with my manic version of conversation. I don't think of this as a problem, I think of it as my need to live fully. Why half ass emotions, conversations, opinions? If I'm going to be sad, I need to be really sad and not pretend otherwise. I'm sad, and I'm not pretending otherwise but only to myself.

Fall

I couldn't be any more in love with the Southern autumnal weather happening around me.

Who do you love, and what are you doing about it?

While talking to a friend about love recently she asked (hypothetically), "I guess that's the eternal dilemma: Is the probable pain worth the certain (though perhaps fleeting) joy?" and then answered herself with "Fuck if I know!".

And it's true, we don't know. For me it's a sticky subject. I grew up in a community of people that says "I love you" at the drop of a hat in a family that says it just as often. I believe it's all around us but it wasn't until some interactions in young adult hood that I realized not everyone believes in the ideas I was raised with. It's not that they (or you, perhaps) don't love, it's just expressed differently, acknowledged differently and sometimes not at all. To those of us that love freely this is heartbreaking. How ever, the intensity of people's love is what makes me uncomfortable and sad. I wish this wasn't the case because I start to self-judge as I realize I'm close to the category of those that don't express love at all. While I saw "I love you" to those that love me, I don't always feel the acceptance and the joy that they express with me. Why? I have no idea. It's just another question that keeps me up at night.

It's not that I haven't fallen in love or that I don't have unconditional love in my life, it's that I don't seem to have it in the volume that others claim they do. I am a realist and a rationalist. Perhaps I am rationalizing love too much. Anyhow, think on this question from thoughtquestions.com because I need sleep.

Traveling

My car is a little old and rickety (it's a 1995 Subaru Impreza) but I realized recently that in reality, I rarely drive it. I drive it eight minutes to class and back four days a week, to get groceries sporadically, and to visit my dad now and again. The rest of the time I get to walk pretty much everywhere. I live near our downtown area so there is a wide array of shops (functional, and not so functional), two movie theatres, three music venues, a ridiculous amount of restaurants and two of my three jobs. I can walk anywhere I need to go! Despite my bitter moods lately this knowledge makes me smile quite a bit.

Size

One of my three jobs is to sell clothes and shoes. While the store I work at is not only for women, the majority of the clientele is female. The age range goes anywhere from two years old to women in their seventies. This past weekend women's preoccupation with size started to become more and more apparent. It doesn't matter if they're petite, or tall, or have feet that are just a little over a size seven but they all balk at a mention of size or if you suggest they try a size larger.

Our society's preoccupation with size, weight, shape and general body image is something I've always been aware of and accepted. Yes, it makes me angry but I feel the need to change my own perceptions before I rail on the entire society's issues. These women and young girls in the store were beautiful, no doubt, but couldn't think of a single positive thing about themselves. Why this constant self depreciating behavior? It's unnecessary, we're not clones, and it's a GOOD thing we don't all look the same. Imagine how boring that would be, and you'd constantly confuse people for each other. Embrace your body and your individuality and move on!

Midmorning rant

May the children of the stock of Abraham, who dwell in this land, continue to merit and enjoy the good will of the other inhabitants, while every one shall sit in safety under his own vine and fig tree and there shall be none to make him afraid.

-George Washington

Why can't the inhabitants of this country believe in the ideas that this country was founded on? Most people's ancestors came to this country due to religious prosecution (some of mine did, the other half was state-less and coming from a war torn country, and within these last fifty years) and now see no issue in doing the same. Park51, the "Ground Zero Mosque", will be two blocks north of the World Trade Center site. It will have a large Islamic "prayer room" but the rest of the building will have classrooms, an auditorium, galleries, a restaurant, and even a September 11 memorial. Maybe I would feel differently if I had a family member that was killed in the attacks or if I actually lived in New York City. It's disconcerting that this many people are worked up about it, many of them having just as much connection as I do. I am not offended that there is a memorial in Washington D.C. for the soldiers that died in Vietnam, I think the rest of us can handle a little religious freedom around here. I've also come to realize that the decision to be tolerant comes a lot harder if you have never had an experience where some one persecutes you for your beliefs, your gender, or your race. It's a little harder to put yourself in someone else's shoes, so I respect the people that can, and do and socially supposedly have everything handed to them.

Okay, rant over, for now... half developed.

Hypocrisy

Classes started up three weeks ago today and this is usually the point where I finally feel like I'm in school. Unfortunately this mark fell on labour day and so I am generally confused about how much or how little work I ought to be doing. This semester I have the least amount of credits I've ever had, so I'm considering this a "year off". In reality I am taking several classes, trying to maintain a reasonable grade point average (to transfer), working three jobs, and in the process of moving. In reality this is anything but time off.

Today as I swept a pile of clothes off my bed and on to the floor I thought about the hypocrisy of my life. This was partly because it was staring me straight in the eye and because I was mourning the loss of my philosophical camp (and child) brain. Once school starts it's mostly about school, school related things, and generally learning in a structured environment. The homeschooler inside me weeps. As humans we're all hypocritical, it's our nature and I've said this before. I was specifically thinking about the contradictions in my life between mature.. and a little less so. I can't keep a pile of clothes of my bed, yet my name's on legal documents. I make my dinner in the toaster oven too often, but I've owned my car outright since I was 16. I currently hold three jobs. I graduated high school two years early. My watch is plastic, purple, and has flowers on it. My reaction to an uncomfortable situation is to make a silly face. I own a full set of dishes, but I have only two each of forks, knives and spoons. I love the people I grew up with yet I want to become my own person, free of their judgement and with disregard to their prior opinions of me.

The list goes on, but the point is that life is full of these contradictions and instances of hypocrisy and I'm doing my best to embrace them.

New home.

Today I went a viewed a three bedroom house in a cute, quiet neighborhood close to downtown. I have moved 12 times in my pretty short life but I don't think I've ever been as excited as I am now for time number 13. The house has hardwood floors and a gas stove. I wanted the former and my room mate wanted the latter. I'm hardcore crossing my fingers that we manage to get this house.

I have been living with my Vietnamese mother and Southern father alternately for 16 years. I am looking forward to the opportunity to create a little home that's solid for myself. I've already begun collecting dishes like a madwoman..

Home again.

I'm back in my home town after five and a half weeks in the camp valley. I'm happy to be home (although the temperatures have soared) but I miss the people, the place, and the energy greatly. When I started back home I had this ideas that I would try, as always, to bring certain things back home with me. I wanted to keep waking up somewhat early (I've always had bizarre sleep schedules and camp is the one time of year that I have a regular one) and wake up to do what we call "morning exercises" at camp.. So far I have managed to do each of those a grand total of two times.

It's been a stressful two weeks as I re-write my resume, learn to write cover letters, and look for a place to live. I viewed an apartment today that was in a depressing building but had wood floors. I'm hoping to see a few more before I make a final decision but time is growing short before my housemate and her two cats show up in town.

Alright, off to mail a care package to my friends that remain in the valley.

Camp, 2.

Week one of children's camp has come to a close and three friends and I are spending the night in a small town hotel.

My cabin of girls contains six campers and a co-counselor (possibly the sweetest girl ever). It's an interesting cabin with an obsessive hula hooper, a boy crazy 12 year old, and a girl that constantly sings show tunes. It's been a hard transition from camper life (two years ago I was a camper) to counselor life. This is probably one of the harder things I've ever had to do in my life.

Okay, time for a little fun.

Camp, 1.

I've spent the last couple days at camp, sort of working now and then. We had first aid wilderness training and CPR training after getting back from a trip to a state park. The first aid training was mostly about common sense and calling for help.. both of which I already have in my repertoire.

The camping was pretty luxurious in comparison to our accommodations at camp but I did two hikes, which was much needed after being pretty lazy at camp.

Camp has been pretty low key for the most part but tomorrow 130 people will descend in order to attend family camp. I'm taking care of the 5,6, and 7 year olds with an old camp friend. It'll be nice to have the contrast of the younger children before having a cabin of older girls. The little kids are mostly boys too so it'll be pretty tiring, and rowdy but also fun.

I'm having a little trouble focusing in this small town Starbucks. It's probably because I am completely not used to any kind of electronics and it's cold and air conditioned in here. I'll post more next week.

Wedding

On Friday I went with a friend to her mother's wedding. It was at a beautiful old estate and we took some pictures.. I love this one of her.

Double Rainbow

I accidentally left my laptop charger at my dad's house so I ended up with a dead computer until my stop there today. It's not a loss though considering all I have done is work and laundry these last few days.

Today I packed up all my clothes, musical instruments, bedding, and assorted other things into my car. I have 18 gallons of clothes (this could be overkill but time will tell), three sleeping bags and too many pairs of shoes. My little car is happily full but I can see out the back window. I've decided that this is balanced. I leave for camp for all of July tomorrow afternoon. As I drove out of my mother's driveway a neighbor pointed out a beautiful double rainbow. It made me sure that this summer will be full of great things.

The title of this blog comes from those irritating little "race" boxes people always have to fill out on various forms (I really started to notice them last year while filling out college applications). First of all, I don't believe that your race should matter. I understand that it might on the Census, or so a college can brag about it's minority ratings (which I actually do pay attention to). However, most of us don't fit into most of the limited choices that we're given. Then we get to check the "other" box, which usually makes me feel like I showed up from Mars. Maybe someday we can fill in our own answer.

Home

Today I arrived home after a three and half hour drive and a mind blowing week. I got to camp last Friday and I was immediately reminded of how much joy there is in the valley. I opened the windows on my car, turned off the A/C, stuck an arm out the window and tried to get down the pot hole filled road as fast as I possibly could. It was slightly disappointing to arrive and realize that most people were actually in town since it was a day off.

Being at camp makes me reaffirm the values I grew up with as well as consider my ideals and this is great because everyone else around me is doing that too. The entire community focused on dreams, ideals, service, and healthy living. Sometimes I wish my entire life were camp but at the same time it's super intense to live with so many other people in such a tight space.

Tonight I'm heading back to my father's house for a little dinner and then it's on to an insane amount of laundry so that I can pack up everything I need at camp for the month of July.

You Are Beautiful

Yesterday after a couple hours of driving (and a long conversation on race, gender and another unmentionable- more on that later) my friend and I picked up another friend to complete a mission: to start the "Beautiful Brigade". So far we've cut out a stencil (much more difficult than you'd think!) and have some tee shirts in the wash. Our mission is to tell people they're beautiful (or awesome, or witty, or hilarious.. ) regularly. We want to do this honestly but freely as well because really, who doesn't want to hear how beautiful they are?

In a little bit I'll hit the road again to drive deeper into Southwestern VA. I'm not really a fan but I'll be happy to be in the camp valley with people I love. I did realize this morning that I will be showering in a cement shower house for five weeks. I think I'll be super happy to take a bath when I arrive home. However, the happiness, the people, the singing, the food, and the mountains will make up for the lack of a bathtub.

Pampering

When I was little I used to sit on the toilet and watch my mom carefully shave her legs. She would get really into it (and probably still does, I just don't happen to watch) and take her time.. It was a while before I understood why she did this and the reason is this: no one gets pampered enough. Therefore, a little pampering in the form of a bath, a nice meal, or just a cup of tea is really necessary sometimes. She was a single mom and shaving her legs was "her" time and she treated it as such.

Today two friends and I went to get our nails done. This seems like such a waste of money to me in some ways but in other ways, it is so nice to sit there and relax for once and turn off your cell phone and be present. So that's what we did and it was lovely!

I can't believe that I'm leaving tomorrow for camp. Part of me can't wait and the rest of me is panicking about not being packed enough and needing to tie up loose ends.

Pre-Camp Musings

I have this idea about blogs, and it isn't really very nice. I like them, when they have a focus and an idea- like wedding blogs or music blogs or blogs about towns. I don't like them when they're a teenage girl sitting in her living room talking about herself. That seems rude. And a little narcissistic. Oh well, I suppose we are all a little hypocritical sometimes.

As much as I love all things old and always have, I also find technology easier to deal with and update and save. It doesn't get rained on or lost, like my letters.

I leave for Southwestern VA on Thursday, dropping a friend off at her home and then arriving at summer camp on Friday. I can't wait but I'm apprehensive.. this will be my third step in my life at camp. First a camp staff brat, then a camper, and now on staff. We'll see how it goes. I miss that valley more then most people.